To believe

If man fulfills his part,

God will do the rest.

~~~~ Father de Caussade ~~~~

迫不及待

处于一种期待状态。

期待2月26日赶快到来，

期待那管子下喉下胃照明白，

快快将抽样的化验结果讲白。

这大半年的煎熬已经够了，

是时候给我一个结果。

给我一个结果，

然后教我应该怎么做。

我会好好听话，

我答应袮，答应你，答应自己，

不再让身体受委屈。

唔聽放

适当的计较，

是一种自我保护。

过分的计较，

只会让人觉得你是个泼妇。

那张嘴脸，

冷嘲热讽的口吻，

加上特别刺耳的声调，

当头的都不跟你计较了，

你的得寸进尺却让人觉得可笑。

都已老大不轻了，

若还向那些幼稚的小朋友一样，

把顶嘴抵抗当作好玩，

那真的应该去照照镜子，

检讨检讨，

Rock'n Roll 的 style

2010年的第一个月，

过得很累很努力。

但是仍能在其中，

找到乐趣。

上个星期六，

看了卢广仲的音乐会，

感染了卢广仲的 Rock'n Roll 的精神。

真的很喜欢他。

知道吗，

在杂乱苦闷的日子里，

寻找活着的理由和乐趣，

也是一种 Rock'n Roll 的 style :)

加油噢，广仲。

加油噢，太阳。

加油噢，蓝月。

Friday evening

I brisk-walk / run 2.4km at YCK Stadium.

So far I have been keeping the resolution

to work-out at least once a week.

And I am still on my daily sit-ups (I try to) and weekend yoga routine.

Haven't run so much since the Pink Ribbon Walk last year,

and I have to admit I still prefer swimming to running.

Nevertheless, it provides a good alternative.

I will keep it up.

One at a time

Year 2010

January Week 1 Friday : Swam

Emotions : Proud of oneself

Side-note :

YCK Swimming Complex is getting dirtier and noisier.

Makes me miss Pure Yoga a little.

Health Log [7 Jan 2010]

It's been awhile since I update this.

In short, I went for another ENT appointment over the holidays.
An older doctor did another scope,
told me my voice box was badly swollen,
my sinus still obstructed,
continued to prescribe me Omeprezolle (which I deemed useless),
and added an anti-cold medication
to hopefully ease the irritation caused by the mucus.

I was then referred to a Speech Therapist and Gastrologist.

Today I went for my first session with the Speech Therapist.
And to be honest, I was skeptical.

But the session opened my eyes
to the professionalism of a Speech Therapist.

She first showed me photos of what were taken
when the scope was done on me 3 weeks ago,
explained to me the parts that were swollen,
its possible causes and problems,
and showed me the movement of my throat when I speak.

She then asked me to speak into a microphone,
recording sounds she asked me to make.

She told me I had a what they would called
a lou-feng aka husky aka "sexy" voice.

This shows that my throat does not fully close when it should be,
hence my body try to compensate by reacting negatively,
contracting the throat muscles, trying to close that "gap",
creating much tension.

She gave me a list of To-Dos and Not-To-Dos,
and then taught me a few voice exercises to correct the problem.

She told me that I needed at least 5 sessions to correct this problem,
that is if I am hardworking enough to do the exercises faithfully every day.

She gave me hope all over again.

I can't wait to see the gastro specialist,
and get to the root of the problem.

I really pray that this episode ends in 2010.

Period.

I asked myself

What is the worst possible scenario?

Losing my voice all over again,

and not being able to do what my profession requires of me.

And having the entire episode coming back repeatedly

What can you do if that really happens?

See doctor.

I have an appointment with Gastro Specialist next Monday.

Does it help? I do not know.

I have been seeing so many doctors,

yet I still do not feel well.

I do not want to lose faith,

but sometimes I wish I can just get it done and over with.

I am very sick of not being well.

My throat, my voice, the stuck-in-the-throat feeling,

and sometimes unwelcome palpitation and breathlessness.

Damn, I am not dying, yet it's torturing the hell out of me.

I am frightened.

I am so scared, yet I so badly need to compose myself.

What can I do?

I can only hold on to sheer faith and pray,

and believe in the next doctor

who would probably give me the same kind of medication

that did not helped at all.

I am scared that

I might not be able to do classroom teaching anymore

if this continues.

Is it of any use to be scared and frightened

of the uncertainty ahead?

Actually this is a question CS would often ask me,

whenever I tell him my fear.

No, it is of no use,

therefore I must hang in there.

If I can survive from August 09 till now,

I can continue to hang in there,

till they do the scope to find out what's going on inside,

and give me some solutions.

From there,

I will see what I can do.

It's not life-threatening, definitely.

It's just always there to ruin my day.

I need to learn to accept its existence,

and live with it till I can eventually rid it.

I am fine.

I am just scared.

当下。计划 2010

之前写到：

I have accomplished nothing this year

后来发现，

其实不尽然。

http://mybluelittlenotebook.blogspot.com/2009/01/now-09.html

尽管2009过得比较辛苦，

但仍做了许多自己喜欢的事。

我知道，

今年一定会更好。

当下。Now 2010

计划。WIP 2010

蓝月，要加油噢！

And a little poem for reminder

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis,

it is between you and your God;

It was never between you and them anyway.

~~ Mother Teresa ~~

For 2010

RESOLUTIONS

1. Free myself from the current situation before the year ends.
2. Find the cause and solution(s). And get well.
3. Travel.
4. House.
5. Stay physically active.