Tuesday, May 26, 2009

等待

我很期待
和你的未来

尽管存在很多难关
仍期待与你一关关闯

尽管害怕脆弱的感情
却觉得感情会因你变得坚定

我很期待
拥有属于我们的家
那个有你鼻子我轮廓的娃娃

我很期待

而那种期待
会让我有时暗暗翘起嘴角

然后
不管多疲惫
工作琐事多无谓

你的一通电话
又让我燃起了期待



ps:最近知道了许多朋友的喜讯,更加期待那未知的将来 :)



Monday, May 18, 2009

不能为你

工作做不完,没有关系。

工作量增加,也无需在意。

若仍执迷不悟,也不值一再提。

要忍受坏脾气,至少我仍可以。

你明白吗?

因为我有空气,我能呼吸。

当你不能呼吸的那一刻,
你会发现所在意的一切,
其实已经没有意义。

意义,
是急着带你去看医生,
那个人。

意义,
是每天担心你无法呼吸,
那个人。

意义,
是你窒息的那一刻,
所遗憾的未完成。

所以工作吧,
因而得到的,能助生活延续。

所以不理吧,
有一天你会自食其果,因而悲泣。

所以泄气吧,
若那能让你寻回元气,恢复平静。

因为我也只能呼吸。

小心翼翼,
为自己的生命呼吸。

我并没有那自以为想象,
超人的能力。

我只能,

为自己呼吸。

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Health Log [14 May 09]

So what I experienced for the past few days,
is known as,


It took several checkups & a chest X-ray,
for the younger doctor to tell me,
he could not find anything wrong with me.

But a mere teary description of my experiences,
for another to determine what I'm suffering from.

It taught me that in the medical field,
experience counts.

It is frightening not being able breathe.

I did not know how frightened I really am,
until I started to re-tell the entire episode to Dr Hui.

I broke down and shivered tremendously.

I told him I was really afraid,
that at some point in time, I stop breathing entirely.

And the after-effects of these attacks,
weaken my body so much,
certain activities I took for granted to be able to do,
I no longer can do it without being breathless.

Something that can affect my body so strongly,
must be something very wrong.

Dr Hui says,
the muscles around my chest are very tense,
causing reactions from the respiratory system,
and my reactions towards it worsen the condition.

I must stay calm and relax,
and try not to deliberately take in deep breaths.

I think the incidents made me somehow paranoid.

Every now and then,
I would check my breathing,
then I start to feel the anxiety,
whether it is too deep, too fast or too slow.

I must let go of this.

I must take caution,
but not be too worried or paranoid.

And I want to grow mentally & physically stronger,
as I slowly better understand,
how to deal with it.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Health Log [4-12 May 09]

I woke up this morning,
with a strong thought of having a log.

I want to keep track of what,
is happening to this body of mine.

--------------------------------------------------

4th - 6th May 09 (Mon-Wed)

If I remember correctly,
I woke up suddenly at between 3-ish to 4-ish,
for 3 consequtive nights, with a very bad cold.

I would sneeze & sneeze,
till I go back to sleep only to wake up,
half hour later to the alarm ring.

7th May 09 (Thu)

I was really very tired,
after a full day of lessons,
and non-stop marking.

I reached home with a bad cold,
and an unbearable headache.

I felt That was my limit,
I needed some rest.

8th May 09 (Fri)

Went to see Dr Hui in the morning.

He gave me a bottle of cough syrup, Tussil 5 lozenges
and Dexchlorpheniramine Maleate.

All went well until around midnight,
I was in bed, and I couldn't breathe.

I tried the yoga breathing techniques,
to get air into the lungs.

The lungs felt like they can only be half-filled,
the limbs went numb, and the heart
was beating very fast.

I panic.

I went to brother who was awake,
he told me to calm down and try to sleep.

I tried, and eventually I fell asleep.

9th May 09 (Sat)

I woke up feeling better than last night.

I thought it was only a phase,
but it came again towards the afternoon.

I couldn't breathe properly,
and I felt weak.

I began to suspect that it could be the medication,
I never experience this before.

I couldn't go to Dr Hui,
as the clinic is closed on public holidays.

I laid on bed, not able to move.

2pm, I called Father,
hoping he could drive me to a nearby clinic.

He was too busy with appointments,
he asked me to wait.

5-ish, Mother came home,
immediately took me to the clinic in a cab.

Went to Healthway Medical,
Dr Liang attended to me.

He checked my breathing and heartbeat,
and tested the agility of my limbs.

He says my heart sounds fine,
so do my lungs.

But since I have flu,
it could be a possible lungs infection.

I was scheduled for an X-ray the next day,
and was given Zenmolin.

What exactly is Zenmolin?

I could not find any information online.

Anyway, I asked him if it could be due to
the Dexchlorpheniramine Maleate I took.

I found that taking it could cause adverse reactions,
like palpitations, hypotension, tightness of chest,
wheezing & dryness of mouth.

I experienced most of the symptoms.

He looked at me as if i was joking,
and said that the drug itself is for allergy,
so how can I be possibly allergic to a drug for allergy?

I was weak, I couldn't think,
and I just wanted to get some medicine,
and an X-ray to know what exactly happened.

In the evening, CS came down from work,
and bought me porridge.

I couldn't eat after a few scoops,
as the food seemed to obstruct the breathing.

17th May 09 (Sun)

I went for the X-ray early in the morning.

The clinic told me it will take 3 working days,
for them to call me up for another visit again.

I took Zenmolin for the 2nd day,
I felt better.

But breathing still did not feel
as easy as before.

I did not feel the strength I used to have,
and felt breathless even walking within the house.

CS's presence that day,
makes me think less about it.

I felt better,
and that night I am able to eat more.

18th May (Mon)

I was still weak,
but I wanted CS to take me out.

I needed to go out,
run some errands, watch some movies,
be a normal person without worrying about,
not being able to breathe.

I enjoyed it,
and I am grateful for the day out.

It made me cherish,
the importance of health.

12th May 09 (Tue)

I was back to work,
felt breathless after the first few hours.

I felt a cough coming,
and I tried hard to contain it.

I feel that if I let it be,
it will be non-stop.

The more I think about my condition,
the more determined I am,
to find out what happened.

I am frightened by the fact that,
I could just stop breathing like that.

There was so much I have not accomplished.

I have not married the person I love,
and bear his children.

I wanted to hold his hands,
and grow old together,
through thick and thin.

I have not bought our dream house,
and fulfilled my dream sex-in-the-city wardrobe.

I want to know what happened to my body,
so that I can make sure it does not happen again.

Even when it does,
at least I know what to do.

I'm going get my reports,
and asked the Healthway doctor,
whoever is on duty.

And I'm going to get a second opinion,
from Dr Hui.

I'm going to get to the bottom of this.

Monday, May 11, 2009

重要性

时间
没有浪费

只是逼自己
静下来学习
呼吸

更深体会到
何其重要的

氧气
_太阳
__母亲





Sunday, May 10, 2009

Keep breathing

Went to take the X-ray this morning,
still feeling weak.

The thought of not being able to breathe again,
gives me mild panic attack.

Brudder says it's all in the mind.

The mind sometimes worsen the condition,
that the body is in.

I agree.

In the last few days,
there were times I felt so frightened,
my whole body was trembling.

Breathing.

Something I will never ever,
take for granted again.

It's so intangible,
yet so essential.

I look forward to the results of my X-ray,
to say that I am fine,
and it's only a phase.

And I hope in the meanwhile,
nothing happens again.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Possible lung infection

Just went to see the doctor.

Felt so weak,
Mom & I took a cab,
to the Healthway clinic.

She was worried,
she said I look very pale.

I was worried,
I feel like I was not,
getting enough air to survive.

The limbs feel weak,
and there were partial numbness.

Doc said that,
it could be due to either,
Heart or Lungs.

The Heart sounds alright,
then it would probably be the lungs.

But the lungs are not showing,
any signs of problems as well.

Doc says that it could very likely be,
a case of lungs infection,
due to my flu virus.

I was scheduled for an X-ray,
tomorrow morning.

And he gave me some medicine,
to clear my respiratory system.

I do not like this feeling.

I want to get well.

I want to enjoy this long break.

Vulnerability

I could not breathe properly last night.

I feel like I am unable,
to bring enough oxygen to satisfy my lungs.

My left lung seemed to have weaken suddenly,
and my limps partially numb.

And my heart was beating so fast,
I wonder if it's because of my fear,
or the lack of oxygen.

It felt like I could die.

And it frightened me.

I feel alright now, though still weak;
but still scared.

It could just be a drug allergy,
the drug was meant for my flu.

But it could mean more.

I think I should do a thorough checkup,
for a peace of mind.

Human,
as much as we don't like to admit,

is so vulnerable.


Monday, May 04, 2009

My Sunny June holidays!

*updated as at 4 May*

singapore arts fest - Arts on the Move (16 May - 7 Jun)

singapore arts fest - Hélios II (15-17 May)

singapore arts fest - Closing Ceremony (13/14 Jun)

other arts fest performances

red dot museum / MAAD

zoo (photography)

botanic garden (photography)

science centre

随意诗人 (中文)/ Casual Poet (Eng)

kampong glam

east coast park / big splash

goodwood park durian fiesta

hdb hub

far east plaza

KTV sessions

great singapore sale!



Saturday, May 02, 2009

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind


当情绪让潜意识想远离你时

我会想起没有你

我会不能自己

然后发现

其实

很爱你