Weary

You cannot imagine

how draining it is for the body and mind,

for one to wait from 1.45pm to 3.30pm,

to see an unprofessional professional at work,

then to have to doubt his indecisive decision,

and find flaws in his paperwork,

which you suspect will bring you another round of pointless wait,

and then to have other staff ping-ing and pong-ing you around,

either because no one wants to be responsible,

or everyone feels that they are to busy to handle your queries.

I have to remind myself,

that I do this for an easier future financial-wise.

Singapore seriously needs to revamp the polyclinic system.

Health Log [27 Sept 09]

Yesterday CS brought me to
the Eu Yan Sang TCM Clinic
at Plaza Singapura.

My very first visit to a TCM Physician.

When we got there,
this counter staff was giving a patient,
her medicine packed in many packets.
I frowned and immediately turned to CS,
telling him I don't want to take so much medicine.

Then another staff start explaining to me the fees,
and she mentioned acupuncture.
Once again I frowned and turned to CS,
telling him I also don't want acupuncture.

I think I am really not used to it,
and everything seemed to put me off.

CS felt it and ask me to decide
if I still want to see the physician.

No point seeing the doctor
if I have such strong cognitive dissonance.

I know I am just being unreasonably judgmental,
so i went ahead with it,
treating it as another experience.

So this senior physician Yu beckoned me into the room,
and I dragged CS along.

He then asked me some questions,
and help me 把脉.

He said：“你的脉象很乱。”
Whatever that means.

Then he said I have weak lungs and heart,
and told me to drink more water and sleep earlier.
(Ya, like I don't know already.)

Then he decided to give me some medicine,
to strengthen my body constitution.

When CS asked him
if there is a probablity of my throat growing polyps （生茧），
he suddenly became defensive, and said there is no such thing.

What?! There is such thing lor.
Hello, I've read medical journals about it?

Anyway, the entire session lasted less than 10mins.

When we came out,
we drank the red date tea that was served outside.
The only better experience since we came in.
And CS simply loved the sweet that was served at the counter.

Altogether we paid $69 for 7 days of medicine.
That is a lot of bitter medicine to take :(

And the first thing CS said when he came out,
is that even if I get well, I will not attribute it to TCM,
because I was so skeptical.

Fine, I will be a good girl
and take the bitter medicine faithfully.

But I will still want an endoscope,
to find out what's going on inside.

And whether I will go and see that physician again,
we shall keep our fingers crossed, and see how.

NOT soon

And after doing out the budgeted excel sheet,

it showed that

you need at least 85K

if you want a proper banquet

with all those important miscellaneous,

a lovely house to call your own with furniture,

and that honeymoon you have been dreaming about.

Now would those who mind

a Ritz Carton Shangri-La buffet-style banquet,

please stand up?

Sun & Moon has been very very poor,

especially spending all those monies

on cab, doctor and medicine.

Sigh.

医

其实若你常见我，

你并不会感觉我有什么异状，

只是变得沉默多了。

因为说多两句就想咳嗽，

胸口就阵阵发痒，

所以除非真的骨鲠在喉，

不然会选择聆听。

最近在网络上寻查，也读了很多，

关于类似的病因，可能解决、舒缓的方式。

这当然不能代替医生，

但我就是一个这样的病人。

我需要清楚的知道，

我的身体到底发生了什么事，

而你身为医生是如何去看待我的问题，

然后决定以怎样的疗程去帮助我。

今年看了很多医生，

发现有些医生根本不想和你多解释。

然而他们不明白，

我们需要更了解，才能更好地照顾自己。

我觉得很讽刺的是，

有些医生的决定，

是我读了网络的一些医学资料才明白的。

而我现在也只能等待，

等SGH给我一个更靠近的日期看医，

然后希望那里的医生可以解决我的问题。

CS 一直要我去看一下中医，

就算不能解决问题，就当作去调理身体。

身体啊身体，

对不起，我没有好好照顾你。

快好起来吧，我答应你，

从今以后绝对不会亏待你。

请你和我一起努力，

找回往昔的体魄和精力，

去完成那许许多多的想法和经历。

Health Log [18 Sept 09]

For some reason,
I called National Heart Centre (NHC),
trying to ask if there is an earlier slot,
rather waiting till December.

I got through finally,
and the person on the other line
offered me an afternoon slot today.

It came as a surprise.
I wasn't prepared to see Doc so early,
hence I decided on a later slot in late October.

However after putting down the phone,
something kept bugging me,
hence I called back again, changed it to today,
and apologised for being indecisive.

And so I went down to NHC immediately after work,
with an unsettling feeling.

Waited for an hour before I was called into the room,
but I must say, the friendly and professional staff at SGH,
make me feel at ease.

I used to have a negative impression
of the staff in the Singapore public hospitals.
Now I wonder where did that come from.

Anyway in I went to my appointed room,
and was pleasantly surprised the doctor who greeted me,
was not the young chap who go roundabout with my questions,
but a much older version of him with the same surname,
and more kindness, patience and presence.

After reading through my medical files,
asking my condition and doing a check-up,
he said that he can Assure me that for now,
it does not look like I have any block arteries.

He emphasized on the Assurance,
and he continue to say that he felt that,
the problem is still bothering me.

I must have unknowingly shown much of the
emotions and shivering I was trying to hide,
when I was recalling when it first happened.

I didn't realised it still scares me a lot.

I told him that the previous doctor (which I think is his son),
suspected that it was acid reflux,
and gave me 2 months of medicine supply.

He asked if they made me feel better.

I told him they made me feel constantly hungry,
and intensified the nauseous feeling I had been having,
and the bloatedness and fullness in the stomach.

Then i told him about what Dr Hui said,
the itch in my throat and the cough.

He said that it could possibly be given my symptoms,
and coughing due to acid reflux,
is actually more common than we think.

He then asked if I would like to be referred
to a gastroneology specialist.

I told him I don't know.
I am confused by everything
that is happening to me altogether,
I don't know what to think.

I asked for his opinion,
and he concluded that he will refer me to the specialist,
and keep me in an open appointment for 2 years,
just in case I still feel the need to see him.
So I might be doing the endoscope after all.

Going to the doctor always makes me feel drained,
especially when I have to do it alone.
But I am glad I did what i have to do.

I want to find out what is going on with my body,
why do i experience such abnormalities.

Then at least I know what I can do for my body,
to nurse it back to health,
to live this life.

Please be with me, and guide me along.

Health Log [15 Sept 09]

Went to see Dr Hui again.

Not flu, not fever,
just the itch in my throat,
that has been around for a month.

This time it became so painful to touch,
I decided that I shouldn't procrastinate,
despite really not wanting to see doctor again.

I can't tell you how much I've tried,
to not see Doc and settle this "problem" myself.

I spent so much money on this 止咳汤 and 千层纸,
and my condition just fluctuates and fluctuates.

On good days I can talk and laugh as usual,
even though at the end on it,
the condition will worsen.

And so I went.

Dr Hui checked my breathing and throat,
and he seemed unsure.

I think he couldn't find or see (he was peering down my throat),
anything wrong with me.

I try to remind him that my throat hurts,
and he did some checking here and there.

Then he told me that for my profession,
I tend to get throat infection more easily.

He said he will give me some medicine (Xepasone) to control the irritation,
and if doesn't gets well when the medication is finished,
I should see him again for a referral to a specialist for scope.

He said I can continue to take Tussil 5 to control my cough,
though I have repeatedly told him,
I have been taking Tussil 5 for a MONTH already. :(

Then he asked if I have anymore questions.

So I told him that I felt better after taking the nasal spray,
having no more sudden "flu" out of nowhere.

And I told him that I still get occasional attacks,
the feeling of not able to breath proper,
and heart palpitation,
though not very frequent.

I told him I observed such attacks,
to be often very near or within the period of my menstruation.

Then he seemed lost,
and kept flipping and flipping through my medical log.

And then I have to remind him again,
of what i told him about 2 months ago,
regarding National Heart Centre and that doctor,
who couldn't find anything wrong with me,
and then prescribed me Acid Reflux medication,
which did not make me any better.

I told him I was confused as to whether,
do I still go and see the doctor?
do I still take the medication?
(Though I think I do have mild acid reflux)

I told him that I am worried about this condition,
that comes and goes without any signs,
and I hope to find out the cause.

And then I told him that I am worried,
that when I am pregnant,
my current condition will affect my child.
(Well, just too many of the people around me are pregnant.)

Maybe I asked too many questions.
Maybe he is not feeling well as well.

From the confusion on his face earlier,
it changed to weariness.

From then,
he just kept telling me not to worry,
not answering to any of my questions.

I came out of the room,
feeling dissatisfied.

However, I do not blame him.

On my way home I kept thinking,
he is just like me,
earning a living.

Just like me,
he has to pretend to be well,
and has the ability to solve everyone's problem,
when the truth may be that he himself,
is as helpless and needed that good long break.

Frankly,
I think I look more genki than him.

Nevertheless,
this throat issue gives me a good push,
to execute plans that have been on the mind,
for quite some time.

I need a change in direction,
and plenty of prayers.

Differences

Once again,

CS & I went into a discussion,

on the kind of housing to look for,

and what was adviced from my parents.

Once again,

I was the one who started the discussion,

and the one who "do not want to talk about it anymore".

Thinking about these makes me feel excited,

but discussing about them in reality however,

wear me down really.

Trying to get into a marriage is really not easy,

less to say already on one.

It felt like a project two embarked on.

You discuss, reconcile and compromise.

And that's only the beginning.

At the end of it,

when you lie on your bed,

exhausted by the whole string of events,

you realised that you are actually on your way to,

another bigger project.

Marriage itself.

I'm grateful that,

CS and I do not work out differences,

in a quarrelsome manner.

And I am really grateful,

for his tolerance and patience.

Especially,

when my hormones get the better of me.

Friends

A friend called this morning,

when I was still in bed,

half-asleep half-awake.

He was making arrangements with me,

so that we can travel together to attend

a royal birthday cum house-warming.

It felt good,

when I was done with the call,

bringing back happy moments I had,

with this bunch of friends.

Mature, respectful and non-obligated,

yet taking care of each other whenever together.

We do not have to meet very often,

yet when we do, we always feel very comfortable.

Different people have very different expectations of

Friends.

Some people require their friends

to reciprocate their every good intention,

and attend their every little gathering.

They feel that friends should be like partners.

They should do things together,

and be so close that no other people can come between.

If they do not try as hard as they do,

then they will feel that this person,

is not worthy of their friendship,

and will only be an acquaintance.

Others are more tolerant.

They do not enforce an unsaid obligation on friends,

and have so high of an expectation of them.

They look out for them,

whenever they are together,

yet they do not expect them to meet up every now and then.

They are more inclusive and friendlier,

to people beyond their "cliques",

making them feel welcome and safe.

I enjoy the company of such friends.

If I were to do something for them,

I know it is because I want to do it,

not out of pressure nor obligation.

I do not like to do things because of peer pressure,

this will feel very suffocating and too teenager.

I do not expect friends to be like my partner,

neither do I want them to expect such of me.

But I will still keep a look out for them,

and they, I know they will, for me.

No obligations, no expectations,

always based on trust, respectful and understanding.

But of course,

there are then people who take advantage of such friends,

meeting them only when they need help or want something.

There is no right or wrong,

just a matter of choice and personality.

So which are you,

and which do you want to be?

Pollution pollution.

I simply do not like the Lunar 7th month.

Has Indonesia not done enough,

to pollute our once clean air,

that we have to fill it with smoke again,

with the endless burning and burning,

on the once beautiful green grass,

on the once clean cement floor.

I really do not like all that is happening.

感激

感谢

8月31日2009年。

早上起来，

不再有前两年的兴奋，

仿佛少了某种热忱，却多了一点平静。

今年，

感觉过心寒，

经历过无力和生气，

然后释怀、麻木，却又不想放弃。

付出了更多的精力，

去处理一群非常早熟，

或是迷惑、畏惧、被欺，

或是顽劣、欺善、无理的小顽皮。

当然，

那不是我唯一的一班。

仍是有另一群比较乖巧，

令人心动的孩子，

让人期待每一天的见面。

今年的人数少，

不觉得会“大包小包”，

反而感觉轻松，更期待今天的假期。

然而，

仍是被感动了。

原来那心力交瘁，

能换来一些懂事，一些感激。

更欣慰的是，

许多几年前的学生，如今都进了名校，

却仍回来探访，献上真心感激和礼物。

It makes me feel that these 3 years,

despite the ups-and-downs,

I must have done something right.

所以三年，并非空白，

尽管感觉似乎已被淘空。

你们感谢我，

在你们生命里留下痕迹；

我却更要感谢你们，

让我更明白这三年的意义。

不管会不会继续下去，

再次被填满的心，

能让自己更有力气。

这份职业其实需要很多鼓励和感激。

我不知道其他国家是如何，

但是新加坡的老师真的当得很不容易。

请不要再以为，

老师们是一放学就等于下班。

请不要再以为，

当老师钱赚得很多，而且很容易。

除了一堆的作业，

不论在办公室或家里都要猛改死改外，

老师也是保姆，

随时随地都得看着学生，

寸步不能离。

老师也是拉拉队长，

有时喊破了喉咙，

却敌不过那股令人心寒的意兴阑珊。

老师更是全职活动策划者（events planner），

一整天可以在学校忙进忙出，

却不只在忙学习上的事。

在新加坡，老师是全能的。

老师们还必须做许多琐琐碎碎、耗时，

外人却又不晓得的事情。

在那么多的乱七八糟中，

老师难免容易感到疲惫无力。

然后会有几种情况发生。

如果仍有热忱，就会继续努力。

如果已死心，却需要这份收入，

就会催眠自己麻木。

如果还年轻，可以重新再来，

就会另谋高就。

不然就渐渐地，缓缓地，

五年... 十年... 二十年。

如果你曾有过一位很好的老师，

不论哪是多久以前的事，

请你一定要告诉他/她，

他/她所作的一切并非枉然。

请你一定要提醒他/她，

至今仍影响着你的教导和那份爱。

因为疲惫会让人忘记，

这一切的意义。